So I drove BACK across the country.

I had to leave Wednesday morning because I needed to be in central Illinois by Thursday afternoon for the David Foster Wallace conference. Honestly, I was very close to not going. I had nobody to go with and I'm not all that knowledgable on the subject matter even though I really enjoy him. Basically, I'd be 7 miles outside of my comfort zone. And I could have stayed in NY and hung out for a few more days, or leisurely driven back to Portland. But, I was interested and I asked myself - what's the worst that could happen? I ask myself this a lot with big decisions or when I'm going to do something that makes me uncomfortable, which I'm actively trying to do more of. The worst that could happen? Nobody talks to me, I feel way awkward, I don't know what's happening, and I leave and don't come back. And that's really not that bad, so why not at least go the first day? I can go the first day and then decide if I want to stick around. And what made me decide I wanted to go in the first place? I really enjoy his writing, Infinite Jest has kind of never left my mind since I finished it the first time, I've enjoyed learning more about him and his writing over the past few years, and I've gotten some great recommendations for other authors I ended up really liking through the community. So, it's worth it to at least try and I could get some good things out of it. I want to intentionally experience new things I think I might like and have adventures and see what's out there and I can't do that if I'm too nervous to do things that make me uncomfortable. HOBY was such a great confidence building weekend, I can walk in there and be confident and relaxed and have a great time, right?! If only.

I didn't really know what to expect and tried to keep an open mind about what it would be like. I walked into the first two presentations by myself. I was sitting in a classroom surrounded by heads and bodies. I didn't really talk to anybody because my anxiety was through the roof and other than some Twitter interactions I didn't know anybody. It was all so overwhelming. I hardly had a clue what anyone was talking about and I think during the second set of talks I decided I wasn't going to stay. I don't belong here, I don't know what's happening, I can explore Illinois the next few days or just leave and get back to Portland early. I stayed for the rest of the day but beelined it to the hotel after. I sat there for a little while in my car trying to figure out what to do. I ended up talking to a friend about it, basically just word vomiting everything at him. "It's been a mentally stressful day. You're overtired, you're overwhelmed, take a shower and a few deep breaths and relax and get back to me." I don't know what it was but I did just that and almost immediately felt better. Ok fine I'll go back. The conference had just started, there's still stuff I can get out of it, and I did meet some cool people who were really welcoming and not all 'you're a pharmacist what the heck are you doing here.' I think I kind of got in my head before going that everyone there was already BFFs and I'd immediately be seen as an outsider, as a fraud. Not to mention I can be painfully shy around people I don't know. I don't know what happens but my mind just goes... blank. I'm not an English major/postgrad. I've never studied literature. I've got a doctorate in something that's pretty much on the furthest end of the spectrum from that. I'm just a fan who really connects with his work and am interested in learning more. I know feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed are all my own issues, but I've recognized that, and I've been trying to make a conscious effort to put myself in those situations more and expand my comfort zone. (When I first moved to Oregon, I did those kinds of things all the time, but I really don't anymore. I've fallen into a routine of what feels comfortable. When did I become such a wuss?) I want to learn and grow and experience things and not skip things I'm intrigued by because doing something new/alone makes me nervous. I want to be here. I want to see what this is like. So ok yes I went back for the rest of it. I was still pretty uncomfortable and (very) overwhelmed and had to remind myself to take a few deep breaths, but I went. Somehow the thought "you can always just leave" was very comforting to have in the back of my head.

So how was it? It was interesting. I'm definitely glad I went. A lot of it flew right over my head, but I think that's to be expected. I still was able to get something out of most of the presentations I saw, and some were even science-y and resonated with me a lot. It was tough to pick which presentations to go see. A lot of it was just guessing - presenters I'd heard on the podcast before or lines in the description that made it seem like something I'd understand or be interested in. If I were to go again I think I'd spend more time looking closer at all of the options. However, some presentations I thought I'd be totally lost in ended up being ones that I loved because I heard a lot of new things. I walked (drove) away with a lot of things I didn't totally understand that I'd like to explore, maybe a new lens to read DFW in and new things to pick up on when I do, a huge book list for Powell's, some philosophies to ponder, and hopefully some cool new people in my life. And it was nice putting faces to voices/twitter handles! I still need to flip through my notebook and process a lot of what I heard there. Obviously I love DFW and went to learn and hear about him, but I think I went to learn a bit about myself, too. Is this something I like? Is this something I want to pursue on a different level? Is this a community I can see myself having a space in? Not to mention trying to make uncomfortable situations and conversations more comfortable and not as terrifying. Not sure if I succeeded in that, though.

After that was over, I went out to Champaign quick. My favorite record label (Polyvinyl) is based out of there so I pretty much just wanted to see physically where they were. I'm kicking myself for not emailing them ahead of time to see if they did tours or anything, but it was still really rad to see. Plus I found a lucky penny there and talked crap about Trump with strangers and got a cool old pin.

Headed out the next day with not much of a plan, just that I didn't want to drive back the same way I came. I pulled off to a rest area right after I got into Minnesota and looked at the map that basically said "decide here - go east or go north.' I had gone east (90) the first time I drove to Oregon, so I said what the heck let's go north through North Dakota. Never been there! I texted a HOBY friend in Minnesota and she said I was driving right past her and we should at least see each other (have I mentioned HOBY people are the BEST?). I stopped in Minneapolis to visit for awhile and it was so nice to see them and their house and catch up and reminisce and de-stress a little bit.

I forged on into North Dakota the next day and realized I had done pretty much no sight seeing. There was a sign for Frontier Town, and I needed gas, so I pulled off the trusty highway. I ended up seeing the world's largest buffalo sculpture and a white buffalo (apparently, I don't think I really saw it, but everyone was excited about it, so I'm counting it). Got back on the road and not too much later there was this sign that said "Enchanted Highway" and "Large Geese Sculpture." Don't have to tell me twice! Obviously I pulled off and saw the huge geese sculpture (biggest scrap metal sculpture ever) and posted there was some info about this Enchanted Highway. The story about it is pretty cool. A local artist wanted to attract tourists and have the locals contribute art. The people who live in this area are mostly farmers who know how to work with tools and metal, so what better art opportunity than welding huge pieces of scrap metal together? They already know how to do it, so take what scraps you have around and make some art! Sounds like something the Oswego County Art Collective (and all associated satellite communities) would come up with. There are 7 enormous metal sculptures along this 32 mile stretch of road with farms interspersed, each one with a little pull off and informational posts and picnic tables. One even had a little maze you could do (I did). It was pretty interesting to see. I think my favorite was the one with the huge family. A little more information and pictures can be found here.

This was fun but put me behind schedule. I wanted to get back on the 13th because then I'd have the 14th off to be able to relax and unpack and go back to work the 15th. I drove through southwestern North Dakota and into Montana. It was beautiful, but all of a sudden there were oil derricks everywhere which was kind of depressing. I'd take wind turbines littered across the horizon over oil derricks any day. Gross. I was driving into Billings and it was getting late and dark, and all of a sudden I saw lightning up ahead. I kept driving and the lightning was far off but more frequent and just beautiful. I hadn't gotten into the bad weather yet and I knew it was coming but watching a lightning storm from a distance was amazing. I crossed another time zone and stayed in Billings for the night because I finally caught up to the storm. My GPS said I had 890 miles to go to my front door, so I thought making it home the next day (the 13th) wasn't going to happen unless I left early and drove straight, and even then seemed impossible. The most I'd done in one day up to that point was 740 miles.

I managed to leave super early that morning and trekked across Montana. Again, just an absolutely gorgeous drive even though the remnants of the previous night's storm lingered the whole day. I crossed into Idaho and saw a sign for Wallace, ID so I stopped there for lunch. When my brother and sister-in-law drove out to see me last summer they stayed in Wallace and said it was a cute town. It definitely was but I didn't explore much because I was racing the sun. I wove my way through Washington and was so excited when I crossed into Oregon! Finally! I still had a ways to go but the end was in sight and I knew I could make it home that day. I got a little emotional the last hour of the drive, knowing it was over, knowing I'd done it, reflecting on all of the amazing things I'd been able to experience. I was sad it was over, but excited to get back to normal life. Gratefulness for this experience doesn't seem like a strong enough word. It doesn't escape me how fortunate I am to have had the time, means, and people around me to be able to make this happen. 'The Battle of Hampton Roads' by Titus Andronicus came on when I was a few miles from home and I pulled into my parking spot and I sat there and let the song finish and just let the whole experience wash over me.

I did it.


Bonus: here's a playlist I made of admittedly pretty cliche road trip songs but it's still awesome https://open.spotify.com/user/1214547350/playlist/3Hydcc8P34KWsqQlzUbyEw

So I drove across the country...

"What have I gotten myself into? Why am I allowed to do this? You know you have to drive BACK too, right?"

I'm in the middle of Nebraska on day 3 of driving to Syracuse from Portland. I haven't pulled over in about 300 miles, and these thoughts are racing through my head. There's a sign for a rest area coming up so I pull over, get out of the car, walk a couple laps around the grass, snap a water fountain photo, and get back in the car.

"This is awesome! I'm so excited to see the country and listen to music and be out on my own!"

I decided to drive back to NY on a bit of a whim. The idea occurred to me as I was falling asleep one night, about 2 weeks before my 16 day vacation. I reached out to my scheduler to see if I could connect some days off beforehand and maybe get a few extra afterwards, expecting nothing but the standard "no." Still though, my mind raced with the possibility. When I talked it over with friends, I got two basic responses - 'why in the world would you do that?' and 'that is amazing!' I had a hard time explaining why. I thought it would be a cool experience, it would be nice to have my own car with me in NY, I wanted to see the country, I could bring as much luggage as I want, and I really enjoy driving and the head space it puts me in. I like putting on music and just driving. It helps me sort things out in my life and think about things going on in a different way. I feel like I've had some of the most revealing epiphanies about life while driving. Approximately a week before I would leave, I got a magical email that said "Yeah I can work that out for you!" All praise be Dacia!

I left Monday morning at 8am. I worked most of the time between when I got the "ok" and when I had to leave, so I didn't have much of a chance to prepare. I got Cruglethor (my car) looked at, I got some supplies (granola bars and Gatorade and sunscreen), I put some finishing touches on my 1,000+ song "no skips allowed" Road Trip Playlist. I didn't have much of a plan other than to just drive east, however, so I wasn't sure what else I should be doing to prepare. There was a bit of a time crunch for getting to NY so there wasn't much non-highway touristy sight seeing trips, but that ended up being completely fine. The first day I went OR > ID > UT, then UT > WY > NE. This part of the drive was jaw-droppingly beautiful. I took a few pictures but it's impossible to capture what it's like to turn a corner and see an exposed mountain pop out at you. Besides, I was really trying to just LIVE the experience for myself, something I need to get better at. There were times I doubted myself and why I'd do this (alone), but I found that just getting out of the car and walking around for awhile did so much for my morale. Another thing that a lot of people commented on was that I was driving alone. It was such a long, specific trip I think it would have been impossible to find anyone who would be free and wanting to go where I was going. Besides I could listen to whatever music I wanted, sing as loud as I wanted,  be quiet and just let my mind run without being interrupted, and pull off to see whatever I wanted without worrying if the other person was entertained or bored or wanted to do something I didn't care about.

Some observations:
-Why was there only 1 sign on the highway telling me I was changing time zones? Two time zone changes went unnoticed until I pulled over and saw my phone clock was different than my car clock. What did people do before cell phones?
-Do people really not wear seat belts? There were SO many signs on the highway reminding people to wear seat belts - are there people out there who don't automatically do that and need to be reminded?
-Some highways had "Text Stops" which I had never seen before. They're just places to pull off on the side of the highway without getting off that just had a place to park and text or make a phone call.

I drove about 700 miles each day and pulled into my mom's driveway in upstate New York Thursday evening. I was really excited to be HOME home for the first time a few months, and the first time Cruglethor has been back since I drove out 7 years ago. I was able to hang out with my brothers and some friends, but the first big item on the agenda: go to Connecticut with my mom for a few days to see the college BFF/fam for the first time in...way too long. I somehow ended up driving most of the 5 hour drive (seemed short after being in the car for 12 hours a day for 4 days...) which was fine and kind of fun. It was amazing seeing a really close college friend for the first time in maybe 7 years. A lot of hilarious memories were shared and a lot of catching up on life and just a really good time seeing CT and hanging out with her family (how are we old enough to have our own families?!). I've always meant to get out there when I go home to NY, but my trips are so short it's not all that feasible. I'm really glad the stars aligned and we were able to get together for a few days and I really hope we don't go another 7! Had some great food, went to a cool aquarium, saw a movie, played some games, talked for ages, and left way too soon. I miss having you in my life every day, Allison!!!

We got home late on Tuesday and I had to be at HOBY Thursday afternoon. For those of you unfamiliar - HOBY is a leadership conference for high school sophomores that I attended in high school and have volunteered with almost every year since because it's... outstanding. It has played a huge role in my life in so many ways and I could go on and on about how fantastic it is, but I won't (for now). I hadn't been back to HOBY NYCentral in a couple years and this year I was thankfully able to attend/was accepted back as a Senior Facilitator. I was a little anxious about returning for a few reasons but one of the big ones was that I hadn't been back as a volunteer for awhile and there were going to be a bunch of staff I didn't know. In my head I knew that wasn't a big deal because HOBY people are the best but I couldn't help it. My group was so great they hardly needed me to facilitate anything, which was a weird (but good) feeling. I lost my voice the first day (I can't remember the last time that happened at HOBY honestly) and then allergies took over and I still haven't really gotten my voice back.

I laugh the hardest I do all year at HOBY and this year was no exception. It was a bit of a different 21+ staff group than the last time I was there so it was rad getting to hang out with them all and talk to some people I hadn't spent as much time with in the past. Needless to say, I had nothing to worry about and I was welcomed back with open arms and had a really fantastic weekend. HOBY is such a family. Even though I've volunteered at so many seminars with HOBY, each year I walk away feeling this renewed positive energy. It's so uplifting and something I've really missed and am looking for more of in my life. Everyone involved in HOBY is amazing and inspiring and I'm so grateful to be able to volunteer with them, not to mention watching these 10th graders learn and grow over the course of 2 1/2 days. One of my favorite memories - there were a lot of Madison's in attendance, so we got a Matteson/Madison family photo. So funny. It's also great to see Morning Motion Club is still as active as ever. Talk about dedication and/or excellence!

Monday I drove down to Ithaca to hang out with a HOBY friend that I've gotten closer to recently. We basically sat in her apartment and talked for 4 hours, but it was really insightful and personal conversation. I don't have anywhere near enough of those so I really valued that. Not to mention getting out to see more of Central New York before I left it again was important to me (also getting in another Dunkin Donuts trip before I return to the Land of Starbucks).

Come Wednesday I was off on another adventure...

Concerts: A Year in Review

If you're my friend in any sense of the word, you know I go to a lot of shows. Music has always been a very big part of my life, but it wasn't until I graduated college, moved to the west coast, and had some extra money/time that I started really getting into going to them. I don't really know how to explain why I like going so much, but being able to see somebody live - to be in the same room as them - performing songs you've been singing along to in the car for months (years) is pretty sweet. There's this energy there, and you're surrounded by strangers who all love the same band you do. You sing and dance and let loose and get to spend an evening with someone you look up to/relate to/enjoy. I thought it would be kind of fun to look back at 2015 and reminisce about some of the awesome shows I was able to see this year.

Decemberists Day

I feel like I have a kind of small circle of bands I follow pretty closely, and a lot of them released albums in 2015 - of Montreal, Titus Andronicus, SSLYBY, Telekinesis, and The Decemberists. The Decemberists are a newer to me band that I'm thankful for having friends tell me about, since they're a local Portland band. They released a new album in January, and the mayor of Portland declared it "Decemberists Day" on January 20th. They held a mini-concert INSIDE City Hall downtown. It was short, cute, fantastic, and we stood next to the sister and parents of a pretty legendary Decemberists member. I even got to see Reggie Aqui interview Colin Meloy *swoon*

Kishi Bashi and Tall Tall Trees

A week later Kishi Bashi came to town with a string quartet and Tall Tall Trees (banjo man). I've seen Kishi Bashi many times now, but each time is unique, and this was the first time I'd seen him with more than just him on strings. It was so beautiful, and almost majestic hearing those arrangements - I'm glad he's released a live string quartet album finally! The show was at the Aladdin which I wasn't super excited about because it's seated, but everyone ended up standing anyway. They ended with an acoustic version of Bright Whites and it was gorgeous. I got to meet Tall Tall Trees after the show which was seriously a highlight of the year. I gave him some of the "In Your Pocket" quote things he collects, we talked about JLP, and I gave him about 5 hugs. Life highlight.

OKGo at Crystal Ballroom

March was a heck of a busy month and it was amazing. I saw of Montreal in DC before spending a few days with my mom in San Diego, came home to see OKGo, of Montreal twice with Yip Deceiver opening, and rounded out the month with Kishi Bashi opening for Guster (WHAT). I'd seen OKGo once before, but it was a pretty small show on a small tour before their new album came out last October. It had a few optical illusions and some cool tricks they did, and LOTS of confetti. This time was pretty similar but way bigger and more over the top. They spliced together a video of actors saying "OK" and "go" from movies to open which was cute, Damian came out in the audience right next to use to sing 'Last Leaf', we decided their confetti budget is more than my annual salary, and for the encore they did the 'Million Ways' dance. LEGIT. They're just such a fun, creative, imaginative band, and they find ways to bring that to their live shows. OH and they did a Led Zeppelin cover. So awesome.

Lanc, aka David

of Montreal is my favorite band of all time ever, and I'm lucky enough to get to see them in multiple cities, due to them playing shows in Seattle and having friends gracious enough to host me and go with me in other cities. They also usually do multiple tours a year, so I ended up seeing them 5 times in 2015. Five times!! I saw them in DC, Portland, and Seattle in March. Their shows are crazy, creative, sweaty, therapeutic, dancey FUN. The DC show was fun, they did "We Were Born Mutants Again with Leafling" which had me really close to tears and was gorgeous. I don't think I'd ever heard that song live, and the visuals they did kinda stab you in the heart. It's hard to explain an of Montreal show to someone who hasn't been to one, but they do lots of visuals and dressing up, and Kevin looks better in make up, glitter, and tights than just about anyone. Their Portland show was amazing, and Yip Deceiver opened which was the coolest thing (Dobby and Davey make up Yip Deceiver and they both were in of Montreal for awhile). David actually came out to find me after the show to give me his setlist (with acting notes and all) because I was wearing my JLP Stay Rad shirt. How awesome?! I was getting a drink and I saw him walking out and looked around me like "is no one seeing this?!" and I kinda took a step in his direction and he locked eyes with me and goes "Hey! This is for you!" Amazing. I also got to talk to Dobby after the show. What an amazing night. The next day I drove up to Seattle to see them again. I got picked on by strangers for being a super fan (because I recognized Bennett outside and knew his name...ok). Yip Deceiver was awesome again. They do a killer cover of Jennifer Paige's "Crush" and I got to talk to Davey after the show who remembered me from the E6 tour they did last year/my phone case. While they were setting up the stage for of Montreal, David came over to me and shook my hand and was like hey how are ya? What an awesome guy, seriously.

KB being beautiful

Yip Deceiver (and Clayton)

About a week later was Kishi Bashi again, this time opening for Guster. Hello high school! It was awesome to see that Guster is just as much a laid back jam band as ever. They seem to have so much fun up there and love to laugh. One of the guys messed up on one of the songs, and they were like "Ya know, we messed up, but I don't feel like you're laughing AT us, I feel like we're all in this together" or something of the sort, and it was cute. They had Kishi out for a few songs to play violin parts, and my head exploded a little bit. Somehow I knew every song they played and had the best time singing along like I was 15, and we nabbed the setlist cuz we're cool like that.

Kishi Bashi playing with Guster at the Crystal Ballroom

Deerhoof

Record Store Day was not long after this, and I got the only thing I cared about - the of Montreal live album. Part of it was recorded in Portland, so that made it extra special. It was also the 20th anniversary of The  Dandy Warhols first album, so they played most of that album an in-store down the road from me. It was a small intimate thing and really cool to witness, especially being a "Portlander" myself now. Red Bull Sound Select put on a $3 show at Dante's in early May with Deerhoof, so I went to that. It took me awhile to "get" Deerhoof after I first heard them, but I enjoy them now, so I went. They are loud and nonsensical, but all business. Basically, I want to be Satomi when I grow up. They had some great local openers, too, which is part of the reason they do Sound Select. I almost didn't go, but I'm glad I went.

This is getting way longer than I was anticipating, and I'm mostly just recording this all for myself, so I think I'm going to stop here and break this up into 2 parts. Coming up is more of Montreal, lots of Ben Folds, some Janelle Monae, and much more!

What I Learned From Running

Late last year, I decided I wanted to start running. I've always wanted to like running, but I'm not sure why. I've always thought it was so boring and pointless, I could never run very far without wanting to die, and did I mention it's boring? But I want to like it, and needed some sort of exercise, and really wanted to prove to myself I could do it. It was a good project to start. I feel like running has taught me a lot of surprising things and important lessons. I kept this journey a very private thing, but feel like I want to share it a little bit now. So, in no particular order, here are some realizations I've made since I started running that I feel can be really relevant to other aspects of life.

You can RUN alone, but you don't have to run ALONE. When I decided to start running and that I wanted to do a 5k, I told nobody. I was embarrassed with how much work I would need to do, I was afraid of not succeeding, and kind of wanted to reserve the right to just give up (bad idea, but true). For the most part, I really did kept it to myself, but after a few weeks I just needed someone to talk to about it and share things with. Serious thank you's to Chelsea and Amee for letting me vent, sharing wins/losses, and keeping me accountable. There were a small handful of other people I reached out to for tips and advice along the way - people I knew who had experience and help to offer, and who I was comfortable being open to because I knew they would support me no matter what. I really hate asking for help at anything in general, so I appreciate how willing the people I reached out to were to help me and I need to remember that asking for help is OK. They taught me stretches, helped me get fit for shoes, and were just all around helpful. I hate running when other people are at the gym and I can't run next to somebody outside - I kind of have to run alone. But, I didn't need to experience everything by myself, and for that I'm extremely grateful.

It's easier to keep going than it is to start. What is the saying - it takes 21 days to form a habit? Something like that. Getting started is the hardest part. Once I made going to the gym 3-4 times a week a routine for myself, it became so much easier. Easier to actually physically show up to the gym, not necessarily run! I stopped running after my 5k for a few weeks (ok a month...) and it's been SO hard to get back into it. I think back to the couple months leading up to the 5k and it was just a thing I made myself do. I didn't push it off every day, telling myself "maybe tomorrow..." and that's how it was at the beginning. I found myself going back and reading a blog from Chelsea about motivation more than a few times and kept thinking to myself "Forget motivation. Just do it." You can't wait for it to feel right or the mood to strike you. The first few weeks were rough, but it's so surprising to think back to how determined I was when I was in the swing of things. I even went running on vacation in San Diego!

Running next to the ocean in San Diego

Our minds are SO powerful. I feel like a lot of cliches are based around this sort of phrase, but I've experienced how much your frame of mind and attitude seriously effect outcomes. There were days I went running, and my mind was already in poor state - "Running sucks I hate this I'm tired I don't want to go." I would run anyway, be miserable, not have a good run, then be miserable when I got home because it was a crappy run. I can't always force myself to be positive about running, but I try. Going into it with a good attitude, confidence, and positive thinking changes so much. It was crazy to me to actually see the difference of that - not only did those runs feel better, they were actually EASIER. Every time I had a great run or reached some milestone I set for myself, I went into it with an enthusiastic and positive attitude from the beginning.  I wish I had some trick to keep myself in a positive mindset about running because it really effects so much.

Am I better than I was yesterday? I have this bad habit of comparing myself to other people, in all aspects of life. It's something I kind of do unconsciously, and running pointed that out to me, and how seriously detrimental that can be. It had been a few months of mostly treadmill running, and I looked in the mirror and saw how SLOW I was running. I didn't have any illusions of being a speed demon, but I was like "I FEEL LIKE I'M RUNNING SO MUCH FASTER THAN IT LOOKS LIKE WTF IS THIS SERIOUS?!" I was so discouraged, especially running next to some seeming track athlete at the gym. Negative thoughts started creeping in - "this is it? You've been running for months and this is it? You're hardly even running... look at this girl right here. She's running 7 minute miles and you're barely not walking." It took me awhile to get out of that line of thinking and what did it was thinking back to where I was 3 months ago compared to where I was that day. Was I better than I was when I started? Am I still getting better? It was hard to see, but there's no way I could have run what I did that day on my first day of this. I had progressed so far for myself. Sure I wasn't anywhere close to Speedy McSpeedster next to me, but I didn't need to compare myself to her. Why would I? I needed to recognize all the hard work I had done and all the progress I had made myself - that's all that matters. I had to stop judging myself and just give myself some credit for what I'd accomplished. I know maybe that doesn't seem like a big thing, but it was a huge thing for me to understand and recognize, and to change my way of thinking. I also tend to get discouraged easily. I had to recognize bad days happen. Days where I just don't do as well as I'd hoped or know I can. And that's ok! That doesn't mean I'm a failure and need to quit. It means I had a bad day and can do better tomorrow.

Pet Peeve: "You finished it!" Running the 5k sucked. I had just got back from San Diego and came down with a terrible cold (cussing airplanes). I actually very seriously considered going to the doctor (big deal for me), and wasn't sure I was going to run the race. On the day of the race, I was hacking up a lung and just felt kind of all over miserable. I set out my "Medication Plan" the night before if I decided to run - Delsym, Ibuprofen, Sudafed, Nasacort, Allegra, cough drops, anything to hopefully keep my head and lungs from exploding. It was pretty miserable, I did horrible, but "I finished it." People say that and I'm like... yeah but what other option did I have? I'm not going to just, ya know, stop in the middle of the field and stay there... even if I walked literally the whole thing, I still would have "finished it" so it's really not any kind of accomplishment. I appreciate the sentiment, but it just kind of doesn't make sense. That being said, I AM proud of myself for accomplishing what I did and sticking to my goal, and am actually almost looking forward to another 5k and for it to be more successful.

Ok so the flask was just a matching birthday present...

I need a goal. I need to work toward something. After I signed up for the 5k, I found myself taking things much more seriously. There was so much less procrastination because I had an end game. It gave running a reason because I wanted the 5k to be successful. I also had mini-goals/milestones I set for myself along the way. Accomplishing those felt SO rewarding, and remembering that feeling kept me going and creating new goals for myself because I wanted to reach them and experience that feeling again. And again, I had to keep myself from comparing my goals to other people, and letting myself be excited when I accomplished things I set for myself that were significant for me. Being able to share those accomplishments with my "support crew" and letting them be excited for me helped, too :)

Runner's high is REAL. Seriously real. After my second or third run, I just had this wave of loving EVERYBODY and immediately texted Chelsea and asked if she'd run a 5k with me sometime (fully aware it was the endorphins making me do that). I've felt that way a handful of times after running - happy, energetic, and motivated. And they've always come after having a good attitude and pushing myself.

All in all, it was a really fantastic experience and is something I hope to continue and keep in my life. I mean, I even have 2 pairs of running shoes now!

12x12x12 Pictures Part 2

Let's just jump right in here - the other 6 pictures of my 121212 for 2014!

Top Left - This was a rough one, but a big "life experience" this year. Life hadn't been going so great, so I worked on this big plan to see some people up in Washington I hadn't seen in ages. Everything started falling apart - people all of a sudden weren't going to be around or just stopped answering me, a guy I was sorta seeing totally bailed on me, it just seemed doomed but I was determined to still go and just enjoy a good weekend. I got up to Seattle and I was leaving my car when I forgot I wanted to grab something from my backpack in my trunk, then just threw it back in the front seat instead of opening my trunk again. I got back a few hours later and... yup. Window smashed in, backpack stolen. There was nothing super important in there (no money/computer/etc) but it was a super shitty feeling and I've never had something like that happen to me before, and it was like bad piled on top of bad. Plus, that was the best backpack I've ever had and I can't find a new one just like it anywhere (and obviously don't remember the name of it). Life lesson, etc etc but it still sucked.

Top Middle - HOME! This was taken when I was able to make a surprise trip home a few months ago. Miss that place. A lot. 

Top Right - Kishi Bashi. I was front row for his show at Wonder and it was SO AMAZING. That guy is so talented and it's been great watching his career grow. He is pretty cool interacting with fans and he just released his own coffee (yes I ordered 2). Read my Kishi Bashi history here (I know I'm sorry, without Facebook all my pictures don't link right I'm sorry). Besides coffee, he releases a lot of cool stuff (fun colored vinyl, handmade stamp post cards) and just always has such a positive vibe. And his music is ridiculously original and fun. 

Bottom Left - Woo boy. Snails Pace Race has made a huge life comeback in 2014. We played the game as kids and randomly later on also, and for some reason I was feeling nostalgic and wanted to play it so I bought it and brought it to some HOBY stuff. Smack talk ensued by the truck-full. Also I enjoy that this picture has Branson's door tag in it because he was a big part of many HOBY shenanigans this year and it was the first time he was able to go to HOBY NYCentral.

Bottom Middle - this is a picture of Multnomah Falls just outside of Portland. I stopped here on my way to Idaho and also brought my mom here when she visited. I'm glad I was able to share this with her, and it makes me remember her and Kevin's trips out here, and how much I love this city.

Bottom Right - I took this at probably the most moving and personal concert I went to all year. This is a picture of Bryan Poole, who played guitar for the longest time in of Montreal and who was always my favorite, playing with Elf Power (Jamie was there too and I kind of flipped out a little). It was amazing to be able to see BP and have him play my favorite guitar (on Everlasting Scream, no less). I was right in front of BP, and after Elf Power, the girl standing next to me said "You just looked so happy during that... you had a smile on your face the whole time and it was so awesome to see... and nice shirt" (Stay Rad). However, the thrilling part is they were opening for Neutral Milk Hotel. Jeff asks that nobody take pictures of his shows, and I respect that, so I don't have any pictures of him during the show (yes I do have one of him crossing the road beforehand...). Being able to actually see NMH live was such an amazing experience, and it's impossible to put into words who this band is and what they mean to so many people and how actually spiritual it feels to stand right in front of Jeff and sing along with Holland, 1945, with hundreds of other people. When he stops playing and just asks us to sing with him... so much of it was completely surreal. AND somehow I snagged a setlist from their first night which is proudly displayed on my wall o' musics in my living room. I cannot wait to see them one more time in Eugene next year before they possibly hang it up for good. 

It was a pretty eventful year. Now if I could only make some 2015 goals...

12x12x12 Pictures Part 1

I enjoy taking pictures and being able to look back on moments, but I try not to get too crazy with it. It really annoys me when I see people at concerts have their phone out the entire show - you gotta experience it! Without experiencing it what good are the pictures?! Anyway, so sometimes I miss cool things, but I'm ok with that. Chelsea posted about a 2014 photo challenge, and I thought it'd be cool to flip back through my photos from the year and reminisce a bit and pick out 12 important photos from the past year. What I liked about the "challenge" especially is this part of the description - "Tell us about your year's greatest lessons, stories, insights, sorrows, and triumphs!" So I picked some pictures that were NOT of happy memories, but are still a part of my 2014 experience. Here we go!

Top Left - the most depressing snowstorm of my LIFE. I'm not a big news/weather watcher, so one morning I took off for Roseburg for an appointment with my electrophysiocardiologist. Slowly, snow started blowing lightly around the highway and kind of out of nowhere traffic just STOPPED. I was checking twitter and the news and there was a really big accident (18 cars + tractor trailer I think) about 30 miles ahead and snow started falling like crazy. I left at 10am I think, made it about 1 hour south by 2pm, turned around and headed back, and got home by about 7 I think. It was TERRIFYING. Roads hadn't been touched and it just kept snowing and traffic basically was not moving. There was one hill where it seriously looked post-apocalyptic - there was one narrow path where you could drive through in a 4 lane highway because cars were just turned every which way, and beyond that barely anybody had been driving so there was snow piled up and ruts everywhere and I am just SO thankful I made it home safe that day. The picture was taken in the original traffic jam where I was questioning all life decisions.

Top Right - HOBY NYCentral, my home! This picture combines a great view of Lake Ontario at Camp Hollis, and the Mattecini twins! We tried convincing the ambassadors that Andrew and "Randrew" were twins with moderate success.

Middle Left - Kevin came to visit this summer and we were able to go to the coast and see some HOBY friends. These are our happy birthday faces.

Middle Right - HOBY Oregon facilitators. Enough said.

Bottom Left - ok so I didn't TAKE this picture but it is one of my favorite for sure of the year. This was taken at MusicFest Northwest (MFNW). A few months beforehand I realized I absolutely love the band Man Man and was determined to see them at MFNW. I actually skipped the band playing at the other stage before them and listened to their soundcheck instead so I could be up front and can I say worth ittttttttt!! First off, Honus Honus is so friggin cute. They started their set and he's jumping on amps and stuff, and before I know it in the middle of the first song he comes over and puts his hand on my head and his head on his hand and is singing like he's praying for me. It was kind of awesome and their whole set was amazing.

Bottom Right - Sometimes I forget that I'm an adult and if I want to do something, I can do it. I was going through a bit of a rough time this fall and of Montreal was coming to town. Obviously I had tickets for the Portland and Seattle shows which I got months beforehand. I had some time off and felt like I needed to get away and be by myself and clear my head... so I drove to Boise to see of Montreal before they came to Portland. It was super spur of the moment and I didn't really discuss it with many people, it just felt so right to do at the time, and I didn't need anybody's permission to do it if I wanted and I felt like I needed it. So I just drove ridiculously far. The show in Boise was... different. Definitely not a Portland show. of Montreal has been such an important band to me the past 10 years and listening to them as I drove through the mountains of eastern Oregon where I can't even tell you how many tumbleweeds rolled by really helped me sort things out in my head. Oh and this is Kevin being Falcon Vein. I love that man. 

Thanks again Chelsea for the idea! I'll be back soon for part 2!

These are a few of my favorite (weird) things

I like some weird, off-beat things, and what better time to share them than Christmas time? I'm always sad when I bring them up and literally nobody has any idea what I'm talking about. I'd like to talk about some things that I really enjoy that you might have never heard of, and if they sound cool, encourage you to check them out.

The Up Series. I think Andy (Randrew to most of you) introduced me to this. This is a series of documentaries following a group of kids in England. They took a bunch of 7 year old kids from totally different parts of the country and lifestyles and income levels in the 60's and interviewed them. All of the kids were ridiculously cute, and they were all interviewed and asked a bunch of questions - What do you do for fun? What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you think of the opposite gender? etc. Then, they check in with them (at least the ones who agree to continue the series) every 7 years. Of course it's trying to make a statement about what kids are born with and where they end up, and it's just really interesting to see them grow up, and compare their "phases" to your own. For example, this one girl went to a boarding school (Q: who will raise your kids when you grow up? A: a nanny) and went on extravagant trips, and when she's 21 she's chain smoking and obviously super rebellious. She reels it back in, but I don't want to spoil it for you! At least the first two movies are on Netflix Instant (7up and 14up), and I think up to 56up is out.

The Kleptones. This is a band I discovered in high school and they've stuck with me. They're a mash-up band (klep-tone - get it? so clever) but unlike Girl Talk (who I also like) they generally just use 2 or 3 different song per track. And they have all of their stuff free to download on their website. I first listened to A Night at the Hip Hopera which is hip hop songs laid on top of Queen songs! LOVE! They did a similar album with The Flaming Lips, and one called 24 Hours, where they had times associated with each song and ideally you listen to that song at that exact time of day. I've always wanted to try actually doing that but never have. They're fun, dancey, original, and did I mention their music was free?? They also have a lot of movie/tv clips (Lebowski, Clerks, Aqua Teen, etc) Here's one of my favorite songs, Stevie Wonder and Jet -

Chicken Wing Pizza. It blew my mind when I moved to Oregon that it seemed like nobody had heard of chicken wing pizza. It's the best thing ever, and the best I ever had was actually in high school and you pretty much bribed the lunch ladies to get a corner piece. It's a ton of cheese, chicken, and hot sauce. Some places put blue cheese on it, but I prefer NOT to and to dip it in ranch dressing. The IGA at home has the 2nd best (usually) and I always get it when I'm home. Sometimes we have to add extra hot sauce to it, but it combines some of the best things in life - pizza and chicken wings.

Infinite Jest. This book (by David Foster Wallace) is one of the most amazing thing I've ever read. It's clever, it's intense, it's difficult, it's long, it's crazy, and it's hilarious. It basically took over my life while I read it, and for month afterwards. There are about a billion characters I could never keep straight with weird names, a crazy tennis-based world domination game scene that's probably my favorite passage in all of literature, and a pretty intense puppet show. It's so hard to even succinctly say what it's about... it's set during a time (modern though, not really "in the future") where the government sells years to companies (for example, it's not 2005, it's The Year of the Trial Sized Dove Bar), Quebec wants to secede, most of the Northeast US and Southeast Canada are covered in toxic waste and left alone, a video tape is so entertaining people who watch it literally cannot stop, there are some people very serious about grammar, and a lot of it takes place in a drug rehab facility or next door at a tennis academy. How these worlds interact and what is left up to your mind to fill in is genius and I just completely love his writing. I laughed so hard at some sections and some are very emotional and personal. I'm not eloquent enough to explain how awesome this book is and all of the really cool literary thing DFW accomplishes and just how off the wall so many of the great parts are. One of my favorite books, and as soon as I have 3 months of my life to waste I will be reading it again.

Decemberists - The Calamity Song - took my favorite scene out of the book. Eschaton goes SACPOP. Friggin Kittenplan. I seriously want to go re-read this scene right now for the 12th time.

I can't explain why, but I really like kids educational songs. Not necessarily to learn anything from them, but they're just great. For example, I really like Schoolhouse Rock songs, especially Schoolhouse Rock Rocks. But even the original ones are fun and catchy and I can't tell you how many times I've sung along in my car about how to write a check (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiTC4S5FsCg). A lot of bands I love have been on Yo Gabba Gabba, so of course I really like those songs as well. I mean, bands like of Montreal and Apples in Stereo being adorable and singing about brushing your teeth and how bugs can be your friends? I'm in.

I'm pretty sure this is gonna need a part 2 at some point...