So I drove BACK across the country.

I had to leave Wednesday morning because I needed to be in central Illinois by Thursday afternoon for the David Foster Wallace conference. Honestly, I was very close to not going. I had nobody to go with and I'm not all that knowledgable on the subject matter even though I really enjoy him. Basically, I'd be 7 miles outside of my comfort zone. And I could have stayed in NY and hung out for a few more days, or leisurely driven back to Portland. But, I was interested and I asked myself - what's the worst that could happen? I ask myself this a lot with big decisions or when I'm going to do something that makes me uncomfortable, which I'm actively trying to do more of. The worst that could happen? Nobody talks to me, I feel way awkward, I don't know what's happening, and I leave and don't come back. And that's really not that bad, so why not at least go the first day? I can go the first day and then decide if I want to stick around. And what made me decide I wanted to go in the first place? I really enjoy his writing, Infinite Jest has kind of never left my mind since I finished it the first time, I've enjoyed learning more about him and his writing over the past few years, and I've gotten some great recommendations for other authors I ended up really liking through the community. So, it's worth it to at least try and I could get some good things out of it. I want to intentionally experience new things I think I might like and have adventures and see what's out there and I can't do that if I'm too nervous to do things that make me uncomfortable. HOBY was such a great confidence building weekend, I can walk in there and be confident and relaxed and have a great time, right?! If only.

I didn't really know what to expect and tried to keep an open mind about what it would be like. I walked into the first two presentations by myself. I was sitting in a classroom surrounded by heads and bodies. I didn't really talk to anybody because my anxiety was through the roof and other than some Twitter interactions I didn't know anybody. It was all so overwhelming. I hardly had a clue what anyone was talking about and I think during the second set of talks I decided I wasn't going to stay. I don't belong here, I don't know what's happening, I can explore Illinois the next few days or just leave and get back to Portland early. I stayed for the rest of the day but beelined it to the hotel after. I sat there for a little while in my car trying to figure out what to do. I ended up talking to a friend about it, basically just word vomiting everything at him. "It's been a mentally stressful day. You're overtired, you're overwhelmed, take a shower and a few deep breaths and relax and get back to me." I don't know what it was but I did just that and almost immediately felt better. Ok fine I'll go back. The conference had just started, there's still stuff I can get out of it, and I did meet some cool people who were really welcoming and not all 'you're a pharmacist what the heck are you doing here.' I think I kind of got in my head before going that everyone there was already BFFs and I'd immediately be seen as an outsider, as a fraud. Not to mention I can be painfully shy around people I don't know. I don't know what happens but my mind just goes... blank. I'm not an English major/postgrad. I've never studied literature. I've got a doctorate in something that's pretty much on the furthest end of the spectrum from that. I'm just a fan who really connects with his work and am interested in learning more. I know feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed are all my own issues, but I've recognized that, and I've been trying to make a conscious effort to put myself in those situations more and expand my comfort zone. (When I first moved to Oregon, I did those kinds of things all the time, but I really don't anymore. I've fallen into a routine of what feels comfortable. When did I become such a wuss?) I want to learn and grow and experience things and not skip things I'm intrigued by because doing something new/alone makes me nervous. I want to be here. I want to see what this is like. So ok yes I went back for the rest of it. I was still pretty uncomfortable and (very) overwhelmed and had to remind myself to take a few deep breaths, but I went. Somehow the thought "you can always just leave" was very comforting to have in the back of my head.

So how was it? It was interesting. I'm definitely glad I went. A lot of it flew right over my head, but I think that's to be expected. I still was able to get something out of most of the presentations I saw, and some were even science-y and resonated with me a lot. It was tough to pick which presentations to go see. A lot of it was just guessing - presenters I'd heard on the podcast before or lines in the description that made it seem like something I'd understand or be interested in. If I were to go again I think I'd spend more time looking closer at all of the options. However, some presentations I thought I'd be totally lost in ended up being ones that I loved because I heard a lot of new things. I walked (drove) away with a lot of things I didn't totally understand that I'd like to explore, maybe a new lens to read DFW in and new things to pick up on when I do, a huge book list for Powell's, some philosophies to ponder, and hopefully some cool new people in my life. And it was nice putting faces to voices/twitter handles! I still need to flip through my notebook and process a lot of what I heard there. Obviously I love DFW and went to learn and hear about him, but I think I went to learn a bit about myself, too. Is this something I like? Is this something I want to pursue on a different level? Is this a community I can see myself having a space in? Not to mention trying to make uncomfortable situations and conversations more comfortable and not as terrifying. Not sure if I succeeded in that, though.

After that was over, I went out to Champaign quick. My favorite record label (Polyvinyl) is based out of there so I pretty much just wanted to see physically where they were. I'm kicking myself for not emailing them ahead of time to see if they did tours or anything, but it was still really rad to see. Plus I found a lucky penny there and talked crap about Trump with strangers and got a cool old pin.

Headed out the next day with not much of a plan, just that I didn't want to drive back the same way I came. I pulled off to a rest area right after I got into Minnesota and looked at the map that basically said "decide here - go east or go north.' I had gone east (90) the first time I drove to Oregon, so I said what the heck let's go north through North Dakota. Never been there! I texted a HOBY friend in Minnesota and she said I was driving right past her and we should at least see each other (have I mentioned HOBY people are the BEST?). I stopped in Minneapolis to visit for awhile and it was so nice to see them and their house and catch up and reminisce and de-stress a little bit.

I forged on into North Dakota the next day and realized I had done pretty much no sight seeing. There was a sign for Frontier Town, and I needed gas, so I pulled off the trusty highway. I ended up seeing the world's largest buffalo sculpture and a white buffalo (apparently, I don't think I really saw it, but everyone was excited about it, so I'm counting it). Got back on the road and not too much later there was this sign that said "Enchanted Highway" and "Large Geese Sculpture." Don't have to tell me twice! Obviously I pulled off and saw the huge geese sculpture (biggest scrap metal sculpture ever) and posted there was some info about this Enchanted Highway. The story about it is pretty cool. A local artist wanted to attract tourists and have the locals contribute art. The people who live in this area are mostly farmers who know how to work with tools and metal, so what better art opportunity than welding huge pieces of scrap metal together? They already know how to do it, so take what scraps you have around and make some art! Sounds like something the Oswego County Art Collective (and all associated satellite communities) would come up with. There are 7 enormous metal sculptures along this 32 mile stretch of road with farms interspersed, each one with a little pull off and informational posts and picnic tables. One even had a little maze you could do (I did). It was pretty interesting to see. I think my favorite was the one with the huge family. A little more information and pictures can be found here.

This was fun but put me behind schedule. I wanted to get back on the 13th because then I'd have the 14th off to be able to relax and unpack and go back to work the 15th. I drove through southwestern North Dakota and into Montana. It was beautiful, but all of a sudden there were oil derricks everywhere which was kind of depressing. I'd take wind turbines littered across the horizon over oil derricks any day. Gross. I was driving into Billings and it was getting late and dark, and all of a sudden I saw lightning up ahead. I kept driving and the lightning was far off but more frequent and just beautiful. I hadn't gotten into the bad weather yet and I knew it was coming but watching a lightning storm from a distance was amazing. I crossed another time zone and stayed in Billings for the night because I finally caught up to the storm. My GPS said I had 890 miles to go to my front door, so I thought making it home the next day (the 13th) wasn't going to happen unless I left early and drove straight, and even then seemed impossible. The most I'd done in one day up to that point was 740 miles.

I managed to leave super early that morning and trekked across Montana. Again, just an absolutely gorgeous drive even though the remnants of the previous night's storm lingered the whole day. I crossed into Idaho and saw a sign for Wallace, ID so I stopped there for lunch. When my brother and sister-in-law drove out to see me last summer they stayed in Wallace and said it was a cute town. It definitely was but I didn't explore much because I was racing the sun. I wove my way through Washington and was so excited when I crossed into Oregon! Finally! I still had a ways to go but the end was in sight and I knew I could make it home that day. I got a little emotional the last hour of the drive, knowing it was over, knowing I'd done it, reflecting on all of the amazing things I'd been able to experience. I was sad it was over, but excited to get back to normal life. Gratefulness for this experience doesn't seem like a strong enough word. It doesn't escape me how fortunate I am to have had the time, means, and people around me to be able to make this happen. 'The Battle of Hampton Roads' by Titus Andronicus came on when I was a few miles from home and I pulled into my parking spot and I sat there and let the song finish and just let the whole experience wash over me.

I did it.


Bonus: here's a playlist I made of admittedly pretty cliche road trip songs but it's still awesome https://open.spotify.com/user/1214547350/playlist/3Hydcc8P34KWsqQlzUbyEw